i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
