...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
