I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
