i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
