I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
