I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
