you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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