You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
