please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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