the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
