Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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