Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
