nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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