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Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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