im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
