never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
