So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
