you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize
