Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
