Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
