My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
