I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
