I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
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we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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