true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
