Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
