she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you win again, gameday.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
