Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
