In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
