You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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