dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
