the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
