shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
