you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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