My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
