Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
