Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
