**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
