I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
