he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
