The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
