I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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