puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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