so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
