you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
