My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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