ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
