He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
