All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
