I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
