i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
