take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
