hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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