Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
